Even as a psychologist, I sometimes struggle to know the right things to say to my kids. It's easy to fall into the routine of asking questions like, "How was school?" only to get the all-so-familiar response of "fine". Over the years, I've experimented with different approaches with my children, and one resource I find particularly helpful is the Gottman Institute. They've shared some excellent conversation starters that can lead to deeper and more meaningful discussions with kids, even during hectic times.
Here are a few suggestions from the Gottman Institute that you can try at the dinner table, in the car, or while waiting at an appointment:
"Who/How did you help today?"
This encourages kids to reflect on how they've made a positive impact. It fosters a sense of kindness and empathy.
"Did someone do something kind? Who? How?"
This shifts the focus toward noticing the good in others and helps build gratitude.
"What are you looking forward to this week/month/school year?"
Giving your kids a chance to talk about their excitement or goals opens the door to future conversations as they work toward these.
"Do you have any goals this school year? How can I support you in achieving them?"
This shows that you're there for them and encourages them to take ownership of their goals.
In my own experience with my children, I've learned that tweaking these types of questions can also be helpful. I often ask, "What is one fun thing you learned today?" and follow it up with, "Why was it fun for you?" I've also tried questions like "Who did you hang out with today?" and "What did you enjoy the most today?" These approaches have sparked some wonderful conversations.
In asking my kids to share about their day, I have learned a valuable lesson from them: the importance of sharing about my day. When I'd ask my kids about their day, they'd open up more and eventually ask about mine. At first, I hesitated to share, but I realized it's important for them to know if I had a good day or enjoyed my work while maintaining strong confidentiality in my work. So, I found ways to tell them it was a good day because I helped several clients or managed a stressful business situation and how I approached it. I also share when I'm working on continuing education. This exchange allows us to stay connected and builds trust.
Asking the right questions and being open about your own day allows for more meaningful connections with your kids. It's not always about having the perfect words—it's about being present and showing genuine interest in each other's lives.
Regards,
Clayton Falk M.A.,
Registered Psychologist &
Canadian Certified Counsellor
About the author of the article:
Clayton Falk, MA, Registered Psychologist & Canadian Certified Counsellor
Clayton is a Registered Psychologist in Alberta who is currently one of the founders and co-owners of the Airdrie Counselling Centre. If you would like to see Clayton’s profile or book an appointment with him, please click on the link below.
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